Still in Genesis 1.
“Then God said….”
How important are our words? How does what we say affect those we love? God said, Heb. ‘amar, and things came into being. Earlier in Genesis, we looked at our finite version of God’s ability to breathe life and beauty into chaotic wilderness. Here, we will examine our finite version of God’s ability to create (or in our case, destroy) by utterance.
I have a somewhat sharp tongue. Big surprise there, huh? I wish I could say that I have gained deep insight and wisdom about words from an ivory tower wherein I never said a harsh or cross word. I wish I could say I weigh my words carefully before speaking, always looking to the other person’s best interest and considering the need of the moment. But the truth is I know the power of words because I have both been deeply hurt by words and I have hurt others with words. I know what it is to hear a phrase repeated over and over in your mind, one that someone uttered in a moment of carelessness yet is permanently etched (and echoed) in your soul. I know that it only takes one misspoken phrase to ruin an evening, a relationship, or a life.
When “God said…and there was…”, new and beautiful creations appeared. Land and sea. Sun, moon, and stars. Fish, flying birds, and animals that creep along the ground. What happens when we say…and there is…? Do we say awful, intentionally rude things, and there is pain? Do we make thoughtless jabs at someone, and there is hurt? Or do we speak love and grace into the hearts and lives of those around us, and there is joy, peace, serenity?
As women, we possess the unique ability to build up or tear down, to be a constant encourager or a nagging leaky roof (Prov. 27:15). How much easier it is to be the leaky roof! Trust me, I know. But when we choose to use harsh words, we (as women, the intuitors into emotion) should examine ourselves, asking where are these words coming from? Am I speaking from hurt, disappointment, or anger? Am I trying to put the other person down to make myself look better or to get a laugh? Am I using a dysfunctional way to communicate something that does need to be communicated but in a healthier way?
Before we look specifically at how our words affect our families, consider these words from the book of Proverbs:
“The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things” (Prov. 15:28).
“He who guards his mouth and his tongue guards his soul from troubles” (Prov. 21:23).
“By forbearance a ruler may be persuaded, and a soft tongue breaks the bone” (Prov. 25:15).
Mommy, what do your words say about my worth?
Children look to women, their mothers, to validate their creativity, their brilliance, their overall self-worth. So when we are handed the beautiful scribbled picture that looks exactly like the other 10 on the frig, we don’t sigh and say, “What is it, honey?” Instead, we tactfully say, “Oh, what a beautiful picture! Tell me about it, sweetheart.”
As they get older, it becomes easier to find (and comment on) everything our children are doing wrong. “Did you do this?” and “You need to do that,” have somehow replaced the sweet encouraging phrases of early childhood. But what are our words doing to the souls of our children? And they are still children. Though they think they are grown and their bodies look more like adult’s, we must still nurture the growing child inside. Yes, it is necessary to shepherd them in the right direction, and it is hard to want to ask nicely when it’s the fifteenth time you’ve asked. But as simple as it sounds, when those teens are driving you crazy, look to Jesus. When our Lord was reviled, He reviled not (1 Peter 2:23). But what did He do? He kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges justly. Our words will make a lasting impact on generations to come; how we parent will directly affect our children and our children’s children (and their children, and on and on). Today, we need to decide what kind of impact we will have. As always, the only way to have even a glimmer of hope that we could change from whoever we are today into this gracious, gentle woman we aspire to be is to ask God for help through the power of the Holy Spirit.
What do your words say about MY worth, baby?
Oh, how our men need our verbal affirmation in public and in private! Ladies, your man needs to hear you affirm his character, his hopes and dreams, his choices, his sexuality, and his soul. Build him up. Be his number-one cheerleader. We all know couples who we’d rather not spend time with because one spouse (or both) are constantly degrading the other. Inevitably, the longer one is married, the more flaws one finds her husband (and conversely, he find in you). Intentionally remember how highly you thought of him when you first started dating, when he asked you to marry him, when you said I do. All day, he has been fighting the curse that the ground he toils and labors over will produce thorns and thistles for him (more on that when we arrive at Genesis 3), and now he is home. What is home? Is it more thistles and thorns? Does he feel he cannot do anything right? Or can he relax at home, knowing he is loved and accepted, weaknesses and all?
If our husband-wife relationship is to represent the relationship between Christ and His church, then we ought to take the time to praise and thank our husbands. Though he is fallen (let’s not forget, we are, too!), choose to focus on the positive parts of his character. Let him know you are proud of who he is and thankful to have him in your life.
To be sure, I am not saying to never bring up painful conflict. If something is hurting you or God is burdening your heart, you need to be able to be honest with your husband. But how do you confront him? Is it in gentleness, speaking the truth in love? (Eph. 4:15) Can you couch criticism in a spirit of uplifting safety? Can you use “I” statements instead of “you” statements?
Consider: Your husband is late getting ready for a social event that is important to you. Because of that, you arrive at your destination ten minutes later than the event started (aka, fifteen minutes later than you would have liked to be there). The whole time he is getting ready and on the entire ride over, your anger is first simmering and then boiling. Let’s look at two ways to express the same frustration:
Scenario 1: As soon as you enter the party, your friend comments on the time, and you lean in and say (a little loudly), “Well, I was ready half an hour ago,” and give that “knowing” look with the half-closed eyelids. You know the one I’m talking about. The look that says, “Whew, this man of mine. I have it all together; it’s just him I can’t do a thing about!” (Doesn’t it make you uncomfortable when women do that to their husbands? Who wants to be around that wife?)
Scenario 2: On the way to the party, you calmly explain to your husband, “Honey, I know you had to work a little later than expected and you were rushed for time, but when we’re late, I feel like work is more important to you than going to my friends’ with me.” Once you have explained your position, listen to his answer without jumping to conclusions. When you arrive at the party, you can simply apologize to your friend for being late because you have already settled things between you and your husband.
Do you hear the difference? In the first scenario, you are two separate people doing your own thing, and then he was humiliated in front of people. In the second, you’re a team. You can speak to him about the things that hurt you and why, but you accept his flaws (as prayerfully, he is yours) as part of what you need to work on as a couple. And be soothable, not unyielding.
None of us is perfect; we shouldn’t pretend that we are or that our spouse is. At the same time, though, we need to embrace the reality that God has given us this man and chosen him for us, that we are one with him, and that we are each the number-one influence (for better or worse) in the other’s life.
This brings us to the “I” versus “you” statements. “I” statements discuss the scenario from my point of view instead of “you” statements, which can be accusatory. “When blah blah blah happened, I felt like….” rather than “You’re so insensitive. You just did blah blah blah.” Another great communication tool is to say what you heard rather than what he said. “Well, you said you don’t care about me!” when in reality, he said he didn’t have time just then to talk about something important to you. Consider letting him know how you feel with a statement like: “When you say you don’t have time, I hear you saying it doesn’t matter to you that I have something to say.” Of course, that’s probably not what he is saying, but if it’s what you’re feeling, it’s fair to communicate that to him. One of our problems as women, though, is reading into statements and assigning meaning that he never intended. We have to be willing to hear what our husbands are saying. If we would say what we mean and hear what he says, so much marital conflict could be reduced.
See? I’m not saying pretend life is dandy ALL the time, like you’re this robotic, emotionless Christian woman doing your duty by only ever saying positive things. What I am saying is that our words, what we say, has the power to build up our relationship with our husbands, thereby drawing us closer (even in conflict!), or we can choose to drive wedges between us that are incredibly difficult to remove. The key is how we say things and the ratio of positive to negative words that come out of our mouths.
I would encourage you to find (at the very least) one thing every day that your husband does that pleases you or makes you proud. If you honestly cannot think of one thing he has done that day, then reach back into your memory and tell him something that you appreciated from the past. How uplifting for a husband to hear, “Darling, I really admire your drive and focus at work. Thank you for supporting our family. How was your day?” instead of “Oh, I’m so glad you’re finally home. The kids have been crazy all day! Can you help Junior with his homework?” Is the latter true and necessary? Probably. But how much more welcoming to hear the first! Then allow him (again, graciousness. It’s much, MUCH harder than it sounds) time to unwind and to transition from a work mentality to a home mentality. Ask (sweetly, not manipulatively or vindictively), “Would you mind helping Junior with his math in about 15 minutes? I’m trying to get supper ready, and I would really appreciate your help.”
It takes a lot of work to break old habits and establish new ones. Practice phrases in your head that you could use to be a softening presence in your home. The world is already hard and harsh and unforgiving. We don’t need to add to that. It’s hard–SO hard. I know. Sometimes we can even say the right things, but we’re trying to control or manipulate our husbands. They are amazingly intuitive when it comes to being manipulated. So be sincere. A quiet voice with a false gentleness is so not the point. Sincerity and gentleness of spirit is.
And pray, Pray, PRAY! God is the only one who can help us do this.
In Conclusion…
Our encouragement or discouragement to our husband reveals our heart attitudes toward him. Our tone sets the mood of our homes. Our words create the world our children grow up in. Just as God said and it was so, so we speak and our atmospheres are so.
We must bear in mind what Jesus said in Luke 6:45: “The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.” We cannot speak grace, if grace does not reside in our hearts. We cannot speak forgiveness and forbearance, if we do not possess forgiveness and forbearance. Before we can ‘amar words that display the fruits of the Spirit, we must first possess the fruits of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23).
It’s almost discouraging for me to write these words because I am so far from this myself. In fact, this whole topic was impressed on my heart because of my thoughtless words that hurt Andrew just last night. (Speaking of which, apologies are another means of administering grace.) Please don’t write off this idea of gracious speech because you think it is impossible for you. Don’t think I’m writing from a place of perfection to you “other wives” who don’t have a handle on this. I don’t either. But as one pilgrim to another, I urge you to continue on the good way God has marked out for us. Let us be women who speak the truth in love, whose conversations are full of grace, seasoned with salt (Eph. 4:15, Col. 4:6). God, help us, for we cannot help ourselves. Amen.
ishsha 